9 Signs your Inner Critic is Stealing Your Joy
Does the inner voice in your head seem to be holding you back?
Does it even undermine you or berate you?
If so, I want you to know you are not alone. Inner Critics are one of the hardest parts of ourselves to identify and change because they develop and internalize very early in our lives.
As children we are constant observers of the adults caring for us. We record all the data happening around us to help us learn how to be, how to interact and what to say to ourselves when we show up imperfectly. As children we gain our worth from the adults around us. We learn to be worthy for just being alive or we learn to gain our worth through trying to meet the expectations of others. If they lack self-worth or esteem or if their esteem is based on what they do or how they perform we will adapt similar internalized critics.
As youngsters we looked to the adults around us to model the template for connection. They teach us if love is freely given or if love must be earned. They showed us how-to live-in balance or how to survive in neglect or chaos. Because we are hardwired as children to bond with our caregivers, we will take on their shortcomings as representations of our own lack of worth. For instance; if a parent gets overwhelmed and short with their child when they are acting their age and says “stop being bad” consistently, the child will internalize the message ”I am bad” even though that may not have been the parents intentions.
Caregivers are often quick to criticize and correct a child’s behavior while failing to consistently praise the child and build confidence for good choices. As a result, most of us have internalized a critical parent. When act from our inner critic we abandon ourselves and end up losing the opportunity for connection with available people. This can show up in our dating life or when parenting our own children. It also can show up in work relationships and friendships. The cost of living with our inner critical parent and from this critical self robs us of our joy and connection in relationships. We will be looking to others for worth or repeating the same problematic patterns we ourselves were subjected to.
Here are some signs your inner critical parent may be stealing your joy:
1. You avoid taking risks and expressing your own opinion.
2. Fawning or responding with flattery, affection or excuses when faced with an angry person or potential conflict.
3. Being nice until you can’t take it anymore and you explode or lose your cool only to feel guilt, remorse or shame afterwards.
4. Rarely asking for help and feeling like you have to do everything on your own, or that no one cares.
5. Constantly surveying your environment for situations that could lead to criticism from others or feelings of shame thus working hard to go out of your way to avoid the interactions.
6. Feeling guilty when you tell a server they brought the wrong food item to you or telling a cashier they provided you with the wrong change.
7. Noticing your own comparison and judgement of others, assessing them as “better than” or “less than” you.
8. Experience a need for excessive approval seeking from your partner or friends.
9. Notice yourself more invested of focused on fixing your partners problems and not giving time and attention to your own problems and needs
The Good news is our inner critical parent can be changed to a loving, reassuring force that provides us with the ability to re-parent ourselves. However, this is no small undertaking. Working with a therapist and support system to change our inner dialogue takes time, resources, and dedication. If you are struggling, I would love to help you grow and break these patterns that are holding you back. Schedule a time to meet here.