Relationship Assessment: Test Yourself

Is it Love or is it Addiction? How Does Your Relationship Rate?

With a specific love relationship in mind, carefully read first the characteristics of addictive love, then those of healthy love. Score your relationship for each addictive love characteristic based on the following scale: 0 = never; 1 = rarely; 2 = sometimes; 3 = often; 4 = almost always; 5 = always. Then score yourself for healthy love.

Addictive Love
____ Feels all-consuming or energy draining
____ Difficulty defining ego boundaries
____ Has elements of sadomasochism
____ Fears letting go
____ Fears risk, change the unknown
____ Allows little individual growth
____ Lacks deep intimacy or trust
____ Manipulates to get needs met
____ Gives to get something back
____ Attempts to change or control the partner
____ Needs partner to feel complete
____ Seeks solutions outside of self
____ Demands and expects unconditional love
____ Refuses or abuses commitment
____ Looks to partner for affirmation worth
____ Fears abandonment upon routine separation
____ Re-creates familiar negative feelings
____ Desires, yet fears, closeness
____ Attempts to "take care" of partner's feelings
____ Plays power games ("one-upmanship")

Healthy Love
____ Allows for individuality and energizes
____ Experiences both oneness and separateness
____ Brings out the best qualities in both partners
____ Accepts endings
____ Open to change and exploration
____ Invites growth in both partners
____ Experiences deep intimacy/feels safe
____ Freedom to ask honestly for what is wanted
____ Giving and receiving are one and the same
____ Does not attempt to change or control partner
____ Encourages self-sufficiency of partner
____ Accepts limitations of self and partner
____ Is unconditionally loving
____ Can make and honor commitments
____ Has high self-esteem and sense of well-being
____ Trusts memory of beloved; enjoys solitude
____ Expresses feelings spontaneously
____ Welcomes closeness, risks vulnerability
____ Cares, but can remain detached
____ Affirms equal personal power

Now, add the scores for each list and divide by twenty to get a numerical average for each. Does your relationship exhibit more symptoms of trouble than of health?